In general, a universal hope shared by adults is that children's experiences during the course of their lifetime be filled with as much joy, happiness and exuberance as possible. Unfortunately, illnesses, accidents, disasters and tragic circumstances can require children to come to terms with death, grief and loss on a very intimate level as part of life's experiences due to print and media coverage of specific events or when it affects someone they love and care about: a parent, a grandparent or other relative, a friend or other trusted adult.
Parents, relatives, guardians, early childhood professionals and educators in school settings for older children are among those who can play a significant role in helping children to understand, process and react to the experiences of grief and loss in developmentally appropriate ways. The following suggestions and guidelines may be helpful:
1. Be approachable so that children feel comfortable about expressing their thoughts and asking questions. Be prepared to respond to all inquiries.
Part of the learning process regarding grief and loss involves asking questions. It is important to acknowledge and respect children's feelings and to provide honest, yet contextual responses to their inquiries. Respond in a concrete manner and allow your child to hear you use the words "died" or "killed." When well-meaning adults refer to a deceased individual as "having passed away," "passed on" or "being asleep," children often think that the person will simply wake up or return at a later time. As difficult as it may be, by using appropriate terms, you are honoring their inquiry, their wish to be provided with a truthful answer and the memory of their loved one.
Encourage them to express themselves in developmentally appropriate ways. For example, young children may wish to paint or draw a picture of their thoughts and reactions or share a book with an adult; for older children and young adults, writing in a journal or listening to music may be constructive outlets. Encouraging children to save special mementos of their loved one (e.g. books, photos, clothing and jewelry) re-affirms their long-term connection and relationship to that person, even if he or she is no longer physically present.
2. Understand that every death is unique and that personal responses and experiences will vary from individual to individual.
A child's age and developmental stage, maturity level, the circumstances surrounding the death (e.g., anticipated or unexpected), the available support of other family members and friends and other related areas will influence how a child reacts and responds. Sometimes such responses involve sadness and crying and at other times, laughter may be present. Be sensitive to a wide spectrum of emotions that may be expressed.
3. Provide reassurance and caring comfort.
Children may feel especially vulnerable, confused and frightened following the death of a loved one or exposure to a crisis situation resulting in death. Explain to them that caring adults in their lives are there to take care of them, protect them and to help keep them safe. Emphasize that, for the most part, people live long and healthy lives, and that feelings of sadness and confusion are genuine and acceptable. Provide numerous opportunities for loving exchanges and reassuring words and actions.
4. Maintain regular routines whenever possible.
Children receive great comfort in our ability to remain and act calm and to provide consistency and structure in their lives. Maintaining established patterns and routines regarding eating and sleeping, extra curricular and enrichment activities and child care and/or school attendance will help give children a sense of control and purpose in their daily interactions. As an adult, give yourself permission to maintain present routines and avoid making major decisions regarding housing, relationships and schooling for a period of time in support of your changing emotional needs.
5. Be aware of stressful reactions in children such as separation anxiety, eating and sleeping disorders and being sick.
In spite of your best efforts, children may experience a wide range of reactions following the death of a loved one or as a result of a tragic circumstance. These may include bedwetting, increased separation anxiety and disruptive eating and sleeping patterns for younger children, whereas older children may exhibit increased aggression. Offer patience and sensitivity in helping children to cope with their reactions and be open to supportive assistance from health care and counseling professionals.
6. Remember to take care of yourself.
As parents and caring individuals in our children's lives, we need to recognize that the experience of death is a major life event and can affect our ability to be resilient and resourceful. Acknowledge your personal feelings by talking with family, friends and co-workers; strive for a balanced day of active and quiet times; get adequate nutrition, rest and exercise and seek appropriate demonstrations for expressing feelings. Again, supportive assistance from health care and counseling professionals may be a useful family resource.
Child Care and Family Resources encourages students and benefits-eligible employees to contact program staff at 621-4365 or 621-9870 with your questions and comments about related resources and/or additional child care and parenting information. We look forward to assisting you.
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