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Anger is an emotion we can all identify with, both in terms of feeling it ourselves and identifying it in other people. But it's also an emotion that we often are confused by, because it's often not very clear what we're supposed to do with anger that is socially acceptable.
Misconceptions about anger:
- Anger is bad.
Like all emotions, anger itself is neither good nor bad; it just is what it is. How a person handles or doesn't handle anger leads to outcomes that are good or bad.
- Angry feelings and angry behavior are the same things. When a person is afraid of anger in themselves or someone else, it's usually angry behavior that they're really afraid of. Feelings and behaviors are not the same. It is possible for a person to feel anger, but not necessarily behave in an "angry" way. This distinction between feelings and behaviors is the crucial first step towards being free from losing self control.
- Anger is a basic, core emotion. Surprised that this is a misconception? Actually anger is a second, defensive response to a situation, intended to protect the person from further harm. Typically, some form of hurt (e.g., disappointment, rejection) or fear (e.g., insecurity, startle response) have come first and triggered the anger. Embarrassment, which is a combination of hurt and fear, can also trigger a defensive anger response. So when addressing the issues and emotions in a situation, try not to focus on the anger; rather, deal with the emotions behind the anger.
- Anger is a useless emotion. While many of us think of anger as simply being a destructive emotion, it can actually be very useful to the person who is learning about himself and wants to continue growing as a person. Since it is defensive by nature, triggered anger can indicate to us when we're in situations that leave us psychologically exposed. Knowing that can help us take steps to become less vulnerable in that way.
What to do "in the moment", when you feel your anger building
- If you feel that you might lose control, leave the situation so you can calm down. Come back later to try and resolve it, though.
- Close your eyes and take a deep breath.
- Mentally talk yourself down: "I feel angry, but I don't have to let the anger control me"
- Have your feelings, but don't let your feelings have you.
- Speak your feelings, don't behave them.
- Figure out what you have control over in the situation and decide what choices you can make to move the situation in a constructive direction.
You can also check out our Conflict Resolution Do's and Don'ts page.
Anger, in retrospect
After the moment has passed, take some time to think about what happened. There are some steps you can take to help direct this process:
- Decide that you are going to learn something about yourself from your anger.
- Ask yourself some "dumb" questions:
- "Why was I angry?" (What was my perception of the situation?)
- "Why did I perceive it that way?" (What does that tell me about... me?)
- Figure out how you need to change your view of yourself or the situation, and begin to live it.
The benefits of this process are that as you change the perceptions and self-concept that triggered the anger, you are effectively starting to disconnect the buttons that got pushed in the past. That leaves you feeling stronger, more self confident, with fewer buttons to get pushed in the future.
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