Relationship Tips

Relationships can be paradoxical in that they can bring out both the best in us and the worst, often at the same time. As two people get closer together emotionally, the greater the chance of touching some of our deeper insecurities and unresolved issues. As a result, an issue can get triggered, bringing out the worst in us. But that's exactly the time when we can rise to the occasion and resolve or grow through that issue, bringing out our best. This can be true for a friendship as well as an intimate relationship. With this in mind, here are some thoughts to consider. With some adjusting, these might be helpful with other types of relationships also.

• Own your own stuff.
  
  As the bumper sticker says, "Take responsibility for what you do and say". If you say or do something wrong, apologize; even if the other person doesn't follow suit. Make this a matter of personal integrity, not of them liking you more.
• Don't Blame.
  
  Blaming is often a convenient way to avoid our own issues by shifting the focus away from our growth task onto somebody else's problem. It can also make the other person responsible for our emotional well being, which is very unhealthy.
• Don't Skirt the Issue.
  
  Along with blaming go various other methods of avoiding issues, such as: Escaping into pleasure (substance abuse, food, sex, sports, etc.) Escaping into work (long hours at work, taking work home, frequent voluntary trips, etc.) Escaping into hobbies at the expense of the relationship While these things may not be problems in themselves, the point here is not to abuse these things to avoid dealing with your issues.
• Choose to be Emotionally Intimate - Unilaterally.
  
  Intimacy is emotionally opening yourself up and giving the other person as accurate a picture of yourself as possible to relate to. Ask for what you like or want. Tell the other person what you don't like or don't want. Initiate interactions and activities, even though you risk rejection in doing that.
• Have Conflict.
  
  That's right, have conflict. If there is a sure kiss of death to a relationship (even considering a partner's unfaithfulness), it is avoiding conflict. Consider this: when you avoid conflict, even with good intentions, you are not being honest with your partner and you are not honoring yourself. You are deliberately not giving them an accurate picture of yourself to relate to, which means you are building a wall between you. However, HOW you have conflict makes all the difference in the world. Check out our Conflict Resolution Do's and Don'ts page.

Further Reading: Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch Ph.D.