When We Wish We Had a River: the 6 P’s

Dec. 2, 2024
Eileen Lawless, MSW
collage of families and different traditions

There is a song called “River” written and performed by Joni Mitchell.  While the song takes place during Christmas, the song is primarily about loss. Ms. Mitchell laments a relationship breakup and wishes for “a river to skate away on.” This sentiment may resound with us who face celebrations or milestones in grief, loss, and significant life changes (like caregiving). Life’s milestones, holidays, weddings, and graduations anchor what is important in our lives and communities.  

Rituals or “choreographed events” are important passages of time that unify us on many levels.  What happens when (what is supposed to be a) happy gatherings intersect with grief and loss, mental health challenges, caregiving responsibilities, major life transitions, or relationship changes? A few years back,   LWC team member (and expert on caregiving for families and children) Lourdes Rodriguez and I offered the “6P’s” to reevaluate our desire for perfectionism with milestones and holidays.  This year, I revamped the “6P’s” framework with a “sprinkling” of loss, grief, bereavement, change, or past, present, and future emotions.

The 6 P’s 2.0

PAUSE 

As we navigate life and loss, we need to offer ourselves time and space to lean into the emotions of ourselves and our loved ones.  This allows us to name what we feel: grief, anger, sadness, relief, or guilt (there are others!).:  Among his many books, David Kessler (death and grief expert) also co-wrote two books with  Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross (five stages of grief).  Kessler offers gained permission from Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross a sixth stage of grief as “finding meaning,” where we navigate our journey not in the event of the loss but what we experience and discover afterward, like milestones or community events. 

PUSH (AWAY)

Those negative thoughts, ideas, and self-talk like: 

  • Emotional Benchmarks
    David Kessler describes grief as the “internal part of loss” that does not end on a certain day or a deadline that we or others try to impose on us.  Grief is not linear or predictable. Instead, a loss is unique to our own experiences, emotions, and connections to those in our lives.  
  • Comparisons & Negative Self Talk 
    We tend to get caught up in comparisons, the traditions we keep, our work, and our lives.  With loss, we may also find ourselves comparing our emotions to others and comparing perceptions of the experiences of others.  Loss cannot be measured or compared because our relationships and lives are so different.  This may affect how deserving of support or self-care we may see ourselves. 

PULL (IN)

  • Your Story 
    Before we think about how we will figure out holidays and milestones with loss, share your story.  Find a place or people to share your stories or experiences with.  This may allow us to give space to contend with the emotions that have come with change and the implications and planning for upcoming rituals with these losses.  That person may be a therapist, family, friends, journaling, support or affinity groups, or your community mental health support system.    
  • Help or support from others. 
    Whether someone offers to host an event, cook a meal, give respite, or assist with some aspect of caregiving, take the offer to help. We cannot do all this alone. If help is not being offered, there is the awkward possibility that others may want to help but do not know how. Let them know. Getting help and support allows us to gain control and determine the next steps with our emotions and mental health in mind.  

PIVOT

Determine the level of traditions and customs while making inclusive adjustments to changes, loss, and grief.  

With pivoting, we figure out how to adjust and include traditions, rituals, and celebrations.  A new ritual or tradition to acknowledge a loved one who has passed away, a place set at a holiday table, a virtual call, a song to dance to, or a picture to hold may allow the continuation of rituals.  Some considerations: 

  • Pivoting may mean creatively continuing celebrations with a location change, such as at the hospital or an assisted living facility, or changing the venue to accommodate someone who may have issues with leaving home.  
  • Pivoting may also encourage the creative inclusion of those who may have cognitive or physical changes. Does a ritual need to shift to a new prayer, a workable dance, or a familiar song? Having people gather in smaller groups and offering a space to rest may all be adjustments to pivoting.  Speaking of inclusion, pivoting may also require the opportunity for storytelling or the review of traditions and customs.  
  • Do rituals need to be scaled back? Do we need to create different or new traditions? Can we combine old and new customs?

PLAN

From pivoting, we plan.  Sometimes, we can plan, and other times, we may have to fly by the seat of our pants.    Planning allows us to connect and communicate the best and worst-case scenarios while hoping for joyous shared events.  

On a personal note, know that emotional triggers may happen.  My mother died this time of year seven years ago.  Each year, I always find myself taken aback with emotion when I look up at the night sky in November and December.  

(PRESS) PLAY

Be aware of your breath through the moments that bring you joy and pain.  Keep honoring your grief as you move forward.    Breathe in the moments in our lives, experiences, places, significance, and the people we honor.  Remember the intensity and the surprising variety of emotions, and keep the “play” button on for self-care throughout the day.  

With all the caregivers I have had the honor to work with, we are doing a good job because we are doing our best.  Know that resources and support are available at the University of Arizona and in the community.  

I thank the caregivers of our community for the opportunity to share their families, lives, and stories.  I offer my honor and grace to the losses experienced.  I wish everyone a year of milestones, holidays, celebrations, and rituals filled with love, honor, and warmth.  Skate on my magnificent Wildcat caregiver community, skate on.

Resources 

Some university and community resources and information:

Community Support and Information: 

Crisis hotlines

Nationally-based grief advocacy and support 

Journaling your own caregiving story

Information and Articles Used for this article: